Happy Birthday (From the Office)

"Happy birthday from the office. We hope the automated happy birthday SMS we send to all employees helped get the day off to the right start. We're sorry if it woke you when it inexplicably arrived on your phone at 5am.

"We want you to know just how special you are to us, so we've adorned your desk with a balloon bouquet we appropriated from the Move To Improve promotional kickoff in the lobby; and lunch today will be a platter of sandwiches we acquired from the meeting senior management is having with the director of regional strategic development. They won't miss it. None of these people will ever know your name.

"Here's a card we all signed. Half the people have spelt your name wrong, except for one woman you've been working alongside for 18 months who inexplicably thinks your name is Deidre.

"We do want to thank you for being such a valuable member of the team, and let you know how much we care. No, we're really sorry, you can't leave an hour early today. We hope you can see just how indispensable you are".