18 January 2006
Just Say What You Really Mean!
It's good to have a full time job. I accept that...as long as you have enough work to do.
It's not so good when you're waiting and waiting and waiting for IT to connect you to the network, and in the meantime you've got to spend eight hours a day trying to look busy (try it! It's harder than it looks).
Still, apparently my cubicle is the place to be seen. At least, that's the conclusion I have drawn, based on the fact that if I'm away for more than ten seconds, someone else in the office pops in and logs on to my workstation. I wouldn't mind so much...but you should see the state they leave the place in! I'm going to get a motion-detector camera for my cube, with a sound file attached. When the motion detector senses someone entering, the soundfile will be activated, with an authoritative voice saying:
"You have entered Nicola's cubicle. Do NOT chew on her pens. Do NOT leave files on her chair. Do NOT use her phone to make long distance calls. Do NOT "borrow" her calculator. Do NOT leave your half-full coffee cup on her desk. Get OUT."
Wouldn't it be wonderful, if you could always say what you really think? I imagine blurting out the following lines:
"Whilst I am fascinated by you rambling on with your endless life stories when I'm trying to work, I think you should be somewhere else, preferably writing all of them down to turn into an epic mini-series, so that the whole world can share the joy I am now experiencing."
(And for female cow-workers)
"Despite technological advances in our world, the toilet paper does not replace itself. If you reach the end of a roll, please replace it with a fresh roll you will find handily located in the cupboard."
To Shop Assistants
"Yes, it's a lovely day and I'm feeling fine, but following me around the shop making irrelevant comments isn't going to persuade me to buy any of your overpriced merchandise."
To My Mother
"If I'm talking to you on the phone, and I say 'I have to go', I really mean it. Don't use it as the opportunity to blurt out 19 totally irrelevant things you have to tell me right now. I usually have no idea who you're talking about, let alone want to hear about their holidays, their kids, their operations or their divorces."
To My Father
"If I want to drag my feet, not stand up straight, and mumble when I talk, I will. I'm nearly 30 now and I don't appreciate you telling me off as though I am a stroppy teenager."
To Guys In Nightclubs
"If I say I don't want to go back to your place, it doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. It's because I find you repugnant, and don't want to share your oxygen, let alone sleep with you."
To My Friends
"If I ask you to call me back, I mean within a couple of days. I probably have something important to tell or ask you. Don't tell me you haven't got any credit - you mean you haven't left the house or been within a few hundred metres of a payphone in all this time?"
To People Who Talk On Their Phones Whilst Taking Public Transport
"Yes, you're on a bus. Well done. Everyone else on the bus is aware of this, and doesn't need to hear you telling the poor sap who called you about it."
And finally...the next 19 year old who says to me "You're not that old" is going to get it in the kidneys.
There...I feel alot better!!!
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